My Current Predicament

After reading a blog post from a friend of mine, I feel like I need to put something down about the struggles I've been going through. Hard to believe that I haven't posted on my blog for 2 years. I'd barely begun to do anything with it and then just stopped. But then I think I'm not really surprised at all - not when I've been in a funk for more time than I'd like to think about...

I struggle with seasonal depression and anxiety, but don't often say things to people. Sometimes I think it's because I don't want to believe it's true. Sometimes I think it's because people seem to have a hard time believing it when I actually do share. I think that "How are you?" has just become this polite passing question that people ask. Most people don't really want to know the true answer to that question... So sometimes the answer to their question is, "I'm fine."

What they don't know is that sometimes the word "fine" to me is an acronym; one that I learned from someone else I know that struggles with her own brand of "issues". F.I.N.E. stands for Fouled-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Yeah, buddy, I'm fine...

I can always tell when I've been in or am still in a funk, because nothing gets done in the house. I ignore everything and pretend like nothing's wrong. I mean seriously, what am I thinking?? That the "housekeeping fairies" are gonna take care of everything while I'm at work or what?? And so the cycle continues... and things get worse.

My fantastic brother & his equally fantastic wife came and spent Labor Day weekend helping me begin gutting things. My boys worked hard helping, as well. Needless to say, it really helps having my oldest "child" be a big, strong football player. His muscles got a great workout all weekend long! We worked our butts off and got the entire garage gutted and cleaned out. It looks awesome! We also got furniture moved in the living room, knick-knacks packed, etc. I also went through stacks and stacks of books doing a big purge of what I no longer wanted or needed. Nathan & I made a HUGE drop-off at McKay's to sell them. It really was a very good weekend.

Herein lies my current predicament... I fully admit that not much progress has been made since that weekend. I get home from work and "I'm tired." Instead of spending an hour (or even 30 minutes) in one section of the house doing something productive, just the necessary basics continue to get done.

Of course having ADHD on top of the other two maladies doesn't lend itself in my favor at ALL. I am NOT self-motivated and I am SO overwhelmed. There is so much everywhere that I simply don't know where to begin. I feel like every time I begin somewhere, crap just gets moved around making more of a mess elsewhere. This just makes me more sad. I know things need to get cleaned up and back on track, but I'm genuinely stuck...

I really need to sell the house because I cannot afford it financially. I am drowning under the financial weight of this house. I've been drowning little-by-little since January. I haven't been able to bring anyone in to look at the house because of everything going on inside...

The "clutter tornado" on my kitchen table, dining room table and various areas upstairs have yet to be dealt with. I have taken vacation from work Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of this week wanting to make more progress inside the house.

Please lift me up in prayer. Pray that I get up early each morning that I'm off work and get highly motivated. I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, but I also know that I need to be held accountable to get the work done.